The Dust Has Settled

 I took a big hit a few years back and it has haunted my life to the max for these years, hours minutes since. Some of my students have commented"is there anything you can't do?" and I would just sluff the comment off with a quip or a shrug.  But, there was a time when I would attack anything to  see if I could do it. This was an equasion that was instilled in me by my mother. You know the line-"you can do anything you put your mind to!" I  fervently have tried to prove her wrong  by my living day to day.
 Well, I hit a wall after my fall from the roof and subsequent medical, meds, quack, hypersensitivity and have lost that equation. I no longer am able to tackle the  challenges that appear before me. Not able, or not willing, or indifferent. This house? Empty and lifeless. My cars?  Sitting un used and unfinished. My music?  gathering dust. My time?  Lost to  spinning in circles.

 I used to live to teach and compete with my martial arts buddies and students. I used to  revel in being able to do things physically that others could not. Now, I am no longer able to exert much energy without having to pay for it for the next few days. I am overweight but cannot  do much to counter act that problem. If I exercise I am sore and I am relegated to lay down and vegetate until my  pliability comes back.

I had it made a few years ago when I had found Deb and asked her to marry me. I knew that i was a mess, but she seemed to look right thru that and see me and what was in my heart. It did not matter to her that I wasn't super Buzz anymore, she was happy with me as i was. Or so I thought. Something snapped last year and everything was turned topsy turvy and I have not a clue what it is or what it was. I know that my not being able to work took its toll on our relationship and that  I was spending more and more time on the computer was a bit annoying, and the fact that my knees were not getting any better and i always hurt.But, i would break from that whenever I was doing to be with her when  she was home, and tried to get her to go places and do things, but the spark had died out before i was aware.

Now I sit at home and half heartedly attempt to do things positive- finish a car, practice my bass,  fix broken cabinets and find out what went bump in the night. But my heart is just not in it. I do not know if I have hit the wall or crashed into it.  I am dead in the water. Every so often someone will stop by and check up on me, but, I am not 10% as active as I once was and have none of the drive that made me who I thought I was. I miss my Tink.

 Goals I had set long ago have been abandoned and  things I wanted to do don't seem important anymore. Just trying to figure out how to get out of this hole I have dug and get back to normal- whatever that is.

With a little trust and pixie dust (sans Pixie dust).............Deb took that with her

Maybe someday I will win the lotto!

 You may not know this but Deb and I are divorced. She came to me one day and said she had enough.  I am not sure   enough of what. Anyway, I am now  in this house alone and Deb is back in Phoenix with her family.  She is sorely missed and there is a hole in my life that I  don't know if I can patch.
 I have been struggling to pay the bills and keep myself from  losing it, but, so far it is working. I have buried myself in small projects and that has helped a lot.

 The phrase- you don't know what you got , til its gone rings true.

Sorry

I am sorry I have not posted anything in a while. I have been busy trying to  keep my head straight. So many unfinished projects and so little money to work with.

Ressurecting the Banshee

This was the Banshee bought for 250.00 from a guy in Grawn who was using it as a playhouse for the neighborhood kids. I spent 4 months and 1000.00 and brought it back to life.

Projects , projects

Take a beat up old boat purchased for 25.00 at a resale shop, throw it in the woods for 5 years, haul it back out and spend 2 weeks repairing all the damage.

Then start from scratch to get it looking like it is worth something.

cost to date
25.00 for boat and trailer
35.00 for bondo and sand paper
6.00 for aluminum
12.50 for weather proof cover
65.00 for boat canvas
25.00 for vinyl material
12.00 for fuse block
186.00 for urethane paint and supplies

total= a project that has kept me somewhat sane for a week or two.

The Trials of being Peter Pan

I had been on my own for quite a while before I reconnected with Deb. I know that I can be moody, self centered, and even downright sarcastic if my mind is set on it. But, when Deb arrived, things have changed. She is the yin to my yang. Her sarcasm trumps mine and she sees things from a 3rd party view. She has a great way of pointing out when I am totally off base. And ya know, she is usually right.
Her kids have come to visit and we have had a pretty good time showing them the sights and points of interest around TC. My "A" type personality has been put to the test, when I am ready to go, I usually go. But with 2 young uns and an unwritten schedule, I usually have to wait 1/2 to an hour to finally get up to speed to the next attraction. I have had to dodge darting kids, a light sabre coming towards my eye, and a head butt to the groin so i have been kept on my toes. Last night we had a marshmellow roast and fireworks rolled into one. The Peter Pan in me came up with some gun power in the fire pit to dazzle the kids. The local raccoon decided to visit at dusk and put on quite a show- even falling into the pond as a finale. Laughs , smiles, and beaten bodies have been shared by all. But the smiles that Deb shares while her kids are here warms my heart. I am glad that they feel at home here.

Kata,Sayaw, Hyung a waste of time and energy

Over the past 43 years I have trained in many arts and have learned countless forms and routines from the different systems. One thing that has stood out in my mind; nobody fights like the forms they train in. So why do they train with so many different routines? I was once told that the forms honor past warriors in the art. Sorry, I don't subscribe to that thinking. In boot camp we learned how to march and shoulder our weapons to command. Do you think for one minute in battle we would march in formation?
No! You would be sitting ducks in a row for your enemy. Do you think for one second that learning how to do inspection arms is going to save your life on the battle field? No! Learning to march and follow directions were just training tools to learn to organize your thoughts and how to follow directions. To me, the time would have been better spent learning how to dive and roll into a foxhole or how to draw a bead on the enemy.
One of the first forms I ever learned was Won Hyo. I have never faught anyone following any of the combinations in that form. For one, it is too robotic to allow you to flow in or around your opponent, you are mainly a tank drawing a bead on a non moving target.
Go to any tournament and watch the different players, none lock into the fighting stances of their chosen art. Why? Because they become targets.

I think the time spent learning useless forms would be better served by learning how to aviod rather than absorb an incoming attack. I was once asked if we trained in Iron Vest Type techniques. You know, the technique where you let people hit you full force and you build your body up to accept full force hits. These techniques are great throwbacks to the ancient days where there were rules of war. But, there are no rules of war on the street. You cnnot fight a modern battle using the techniques of the the civil war. The US won its independance from the British by learning to use their environment not lining up in staggerd rows of men loading their weapons while the first row shoots. The colonials learned to hid e behind trees and to use hit and run tactics, while the British followed old rules of engagement against these men without honor who hid behind rocks and trees.

The time would be better spent learning how not to be a target. Time spent lining up and throwing hundreds of punches into the thin air would be better served learning how to hit a moving target. I do not judge my students how good they are by how many perfect forms that they can do, but rather how many attacks I throw at them that they can control or negate. Too much emphisis is put on training drills or forms that you will never use.
Just my 2 centavos