Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The Dust Has Settled

 I took a big hit a few years back and it has haunted my life to the max for these years, hours minutes since. Some of my students have commented"is there anything you can't do?" and I would just sluff the comment off with a quip or a shrug.  But, there was a time when I would attack anything to  see if I could do it. This was an equasion that was instilled in me by my mother. You know the line-"you can do anything you put your mind to!" I  fervently have tried to prove her wrong  by my living day to day.
 Well, I hit a wall after my fall from the roof and subsequent medical, meds, quack, hypersensitivity and have lost that equation. I no longer am able to tackle the  challenges that appear before me. Not able, or not willing, or indifferent. This house? Empty and lifeless. My cars?  Sitting un used and unfinished. My music?  gathering dust. My time?  Lost to  spinning in circles.

 I used to live to teach and compete with my martial arts buddies and students. I used to  revel in being able to do things physically that others could not. Now, I am no longer able to exert much energy without having to pay for it for the next few days. I am overweight but cannot  do much to counter act that problem. If I exercise I am sore and I am relegated to lay down and vegetate until my  pliability comes back.

I had it made a few years ago when I had found Deb and asked her to marry me. I knew that i was a mess, but she seemed to look right thru that and see me and what was in my heart. It did not matter to her that I wasn't super Buzz anymore, she was happy with me as i was. Or so I thought. Something snapped last year and everything was turned topsy turvy and I have not a clue what it is or what it was. I know that my not being able to work took its toll on our relationship and that  I was spending more and more time on the computer was a bit annoying, and the fact that my knees were not getting any better and i always hurt.But, i would break from that whenever I was doing to be with her when  she was home, and tried to get her to go places and do things, but the spark had died out before i was aware.

Now I sit at home and half heartedly attempt to do things positive- finish a car, practice my bass,  fix broken cabinets and find out what went bump in the night. But my heart is just not in it. I do not know if I have hit the wall or crashed into it.  I am dead in the water. Every so often someone will stop by and check up on me, but, I am not 10% as active as I once was and have none of the drive that made me who I thought I was. I miss my Tink.

 Goals I had set long ago have been abandoned and  things I wanted to do don't seem important anymore. Just trying to figure out how to get out of this hole I have dug and get back to normal- whatever that is.

With a little trust and pixie dust (sans Pixie dust).............Deb took that with her

Maybe someday I will win the lotto!


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